My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR