REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?