[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead