Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Hmmmmmmm….

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”