me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.