Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

look scared

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap