Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

When someone says you are so lazy

😲 WTF? 😆

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one