Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do one person every day that scares you.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.