3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.