If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
yeah 😭
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.