If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Best spoiler warning ever
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Going into Monday like
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.