Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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I never needed anything more in my life
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence