Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

Another interesting #factupdates post!

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger