Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.