I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.