*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You Might Also Like
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.