Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
new year update: losing everything but weight
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun