Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

My Plans 2020

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”