Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Whoa… oh I see lol

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Fruity

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.