[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.