Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

💀💀💀💀

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?