Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

#Caturday

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.