Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

This could be us but you eatin’

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that