HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
War & Peace
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.