I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
$3 #books
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are