Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Chemical wingman
