Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”