Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.