Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Barbie gone wild
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy