3% human
97% stress
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I’m calling the cops.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.