Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

hear me out : pockets for your socks

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.