It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.