Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

They’re on their honeymoon

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Tuesday

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.