Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”