Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.