Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….