Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Taking phone security to the next level.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real