me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?