Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.