Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!