Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

From Facebook just now…

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.