Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Me, flirting😏

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet