Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

This is my cat’s medicine.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.