Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
You Might Also Like
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”