fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that