This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work