Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997