Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*