Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

This makes total sense…

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?