Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

The news is so predictable nowadays

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.