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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.