Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

What do you text your spouse?

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.